Handing over a brick of heroin to a visibly paranoid dealer, I finalise the sale price using the DS stylus – and can’t help picturing a disapproving Shigeru Miyamoto. As the constantly smiling creator of Mario – the huggable godfather of gaming – Miyamoto seems endearingly innocent. Now, I’m using the device that brought us Nintendogs to push Class A drugs.
Still, there are more pressing matters at hand. Finally agreeing to my price, the scruffy-looking junkie reluctantly hands over the cash. Suddenly, sirens pierce my ears. Fuck. Was I set up?! It doesn’t matter; the finer details and Shiggy’s sad-looking eyes will have to wait. As an impressive convoy of police cars swarm the park, I send my tiny 2D avatar sprinting as fast as the B button will carry me. With shouting officers closing in, I lob a molotov at the nearest squad car and vault over the park’s railings, yanking a cabbie out of his taxi before flooring the accelerator.
Welcome to GTA: Chinatown Wars – Nintendo DS’ most delightfully debauched game.