Would you pay a quarter to leave a comment on PCGamer.com? Before you scream “no” at me in the comments for the bargain price of free, consider that the PC Gamer magazine readers of yesteryear were Built Different.

Once upon a time, folks were so eager to mail their letters into the magazine that they’d pay for postage, which cost 30-50 pence per second class stamp in the UK circa 2010. Or they’d instead send the PC Gamer staff a text, at the cost of 25 pence “plus your standard network charge” for the 160 characters allowed in a single SMS message. Brevity’s the soul of wit and all that, right?

Despite this being a feature of our UK magazine just 15 years ago, the idea of paying a quarter per minuscule text message feels about as ancient and alien a concept to explain to today’s youth as floppy disks or long-distance phone calls. Or payphones. Or analog clocks. I think I might be losing the plot here.

Back to the point: It’s quaint, but actually quite charming that for several years the magazine ran a column in the letters section devoted to reader text messages and even micro reviews. Here are some of the “best” ones from issues I’ve recently been re-reading, plus the PCG team’s responses.

“Spk Ur Mnd”

I’m one of the 15 million people who are on Steam and I can’t help noticing that there is a large lack of games. My favourite games are Blizzard ones such as World of Warcraft, Starcraft and Diablo 2 and I would love if these games were on Steam. – Eoghan O’Connell

We think Valve, too, would love to have WoW on Steam. But Blizzard have their own digital distribution and patching system, and they’re not about to let the fact that it sucks persuade them to change. PCG

Bloody hell… – Simon

Quite. PCG

Congratulations to you as we bring to your notice result online email lottery. Here are your winning numbers: 52-6-39-15-36-1 – Mrs Saffira Musantu (Lottery Group Coordinator)

Thanks! We’ll have our 2 million Euros in cash then, please. PCG

Once again, congratulations from all our staffs on your consolation prize winning. Regards. – Mrs Saffira Musantu (Lottery Group Coordinator)

Where’s our bloody money, then? PCG

They say PC gaming is dead or dying. – Aaron Whitehead

They’re not sure? PCG

Santa if you are there, next year I want you to kill every single member of SecureROM, destroy its headquarters and steal the money from their bank accounts. – Aaron Whitehead

Oddly enough, we’ve been wanting to kill Santa ever since he started doing those bloody Coke adverts. PCG

Anyone have 30 spare bottles of Nuka-Cola Quantum? – Martster123

Anyone? PCG

If there’s one thing we can all agree on it would be that 80% of games’ writing is toxic to the human physiology. If I see another hardcore marine with a dark past who, goddammit, just won’t play by the rules, then I’m gonna make someone pay. – Thomas Mayo

What dark thing happened in your past to make you this way? PCG

Share your photos with Windows Live Photos – Free Try it Now! – Alex Overton

Oh yes! A more complex and less popular version of Flickr! Ace. PCG

For this abomination against the laws of thy universe, thy magazine muste pay a toll. – Anonymous

It feels like we already are. PCG

Issue 198, p81 – the snipurl’s are either deleted or private so I can’t access any of them (Evacuation was the primary one I am after)… Is it a typo or have snipurl actually removed them for some bizarre reason? – Alex Branson

They work just fine for us… no typos or removals we can find. Try the link again. If you still have no luck, go straight to www.foddy.net/Evacuation.html PCG

Worms Armageddon is so wormalicous, I better geddon playing.

Yipee! Worm out. – Si Ripe

wormalicious, adj. As pleasant-tasting as an annelid of the order Haplotaxida, such as the common Earthworm. Archaic.

Since the end of HL2 Ep2 I’ve been so eager to play the next instalment. Do you have any inside info? – Bryan powell

Yes.

(A haiku for you!) TF2 now trades, Crates now clog inventory Alas have no keys – PhoenixDK

Less of this sort of thing.

I Am Jane Shepard. I am the Butcher of Torfan. I am Humanity’s image. I am the First Human Spectre. I am the Saviour of the Citadel. Saviour of the council. Killer of Geth. Destroyer of Saran. Destroyer of Sovereign. One Thing I am God-Damn not is Cerberus’ Bitch! – Jane Shepard

This goes on for another 900 terrifying words. Please stay away from us.

It’s time for Captain Fizz Meets the Blaster-Trons? Time to dust off my A500! – BiggieD

Pffft. Console gamers probably don’t know what that means. We do, though. Obviously.

Which would you prefer to have ported to PC, Metal Gear Solid or Uncharted? – Soteris Zannettou

Imagine the mod community that’d spring up around a Metal Gear game on PC. Those are some passionate crazies.

There clearly aren’t enough pseudonyms in your publication. – Lee Thaxor

You don’t really believe we have a writer called ‘Graham Smith,’ do you? Come come, Thaxor.

IDEA! SPORE combined with POKEMON!!! – ShaunRattue

“Penis-chu, I choose you!” Yeah. There’s a flaw in this plan. It’s called ‘The Other People On The Internet’. (Also us.)

I remember reading about Duke Nukem Forever in PC Gamer back in ’97… Now it’s finally here! – Andreas Blixt

Yeah. Never mind, eh? On the plus side, Cleve Blakemore’s Grimoire has been on the go since 1998 and is due out ‘soon’. Maybe that’ll compensate. [Grimoire didn’t come out for another six years. – Wes]

Dear sirs. I wish to complain in the strongest possible sense about this year’s Top 100. (GAME) is clearly more deserving than (OTHER GAME) and I feel PERSONALLY BETRAYED that you would think otherwise. I hereby rescind your membership in the human race and hope you drown in monkey faeces. P.S. I am too busy playing Skyrim to have read any of it yet. Please fill in the blanks yourself and feel properly chastised. Ta. – Julian Adams

Hey, if you think Bikini Karate Babes is more deserving than Team Fortress 2, who are we to argue? Everyone, grab your Tipp-Ex and make the necessary corrections to issue 236. Or, indeed, don’t.

Everyone’s complaining about the recent trailers using something called ‘dubstep’. Maybe I’m just not cool, but what is dubstep? Is it the sound of someone tripping over their front door, falling into a shrub, and not being able to talk properly at A&E? – Francis Abbott

Dubstep is listening to a ZX Spectrum struggling to load a game, through a phone, while standing too close to a speaker, with someone next to you kicking a bin into scrap metal. Or so we are reliably informed by listening to far too many examples of it recently.

They say the best things in life are free, so how do you explain Hellgate: London? – Graeme Worth

They say the devil has all the best tunes. They never said anything about games.

I want to eat Uwe Boll. What kind of sauce goes best with film director? – Anonymous Cannibal

White wine, definitely.

“Txt Ur Review”

Our request to readers: Send us your reviews in 20 words or less – text, email or Twitter.

Remember to add the game’s name, a score and your name.

Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning – 88%

A banner flaps in the wind. Thud. It holds firm. Thud. The gates smash open.

They swarm in! It’s WAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!

88% – Patrick Low

Sims 2

A lucky few games can be described as masterpieces, and Sims 2 isn’t one of them.

35% – Peter Kelly

Diablo 2

Click on progressively more difficult enemies until they fall down.

75% – Chris Rowland

Diablo 2: Lord of Destruction

The enemies are slightly more difficult.

76% – Chris Rowland

Fallout: New Vegas

More gambling! More music! More cactus!

More glitches! How do you play caravan?

80% – Alexander Johnson

The Ball

Its got balls. Big balls.

78% – mrlargefoo

Poker Night at the Inventory

Shows an appreciation for the game on the level of that of shellfish for linear algebra.

(3x + 4y)/z% – Hexapodium

Dragon Age: Origins

How much free time does this game think I have?

89% – Richard Mault

Homefront

The love child of Call of Duty and Battlefield that was dropped as a baby. He’s short, ugly and no one likes him.

45% – Krazllvan

Total War: Shogun 2

Finally, an excuse to wear a dressing gown and chase down peasants with cavalry.

96% – Jonty the Irke

World of Tanks

I’m a can of death! Ooh, bad guy… steady, aim…

BOOM! Huh, dead? Ah – artillery. Bigger tree to hide in!

84% – Notquiteallhere

Crysis 2

If Crysis was a tech demo with wheels, then Crysis 2 is a scooter (the kind with no engine that’s like a skateboard)

75% – Unacomm

Assassin’s Creed – Brotherhood

I’d let Ezio stab me in the back with his hidden blades any day.

93% – Aaronton

Zork: Grand Inquisitor

Batshit insane and wonderful.

80% – Delixe\

D&D: Daggerdale

A lot like Torchlight, but bad. Orgasmic Dwarf grunting doesn’t help.

35% – Ghostwoods

L.A. Noire

Nice faces, shame about everything else.

60% – Badbonobo