Ever since I saw a random bloke wearing a “I Beat Sephirot” t-shirt at Gamescom two years ago and discovered the existence of the Final Fantasy 14 Battle Challenge, I've been desperate to attempt one for myself. They've been a long-standing feature of conventions like PAX, E3 (RIP), and Gamescom since 2013.

The battle challenges see fans and interested bypassers queue up for a chance to take on one of the game's current story-difficulty trials: For the 2013 Gamescom that was A Realm Reborn's Titan, with other appearances from the likes of Heavensward's Bismark, Stormblood's Lakshmi and Shadowbringers' Titania over the years. Take down the fearsome foe and nab yourself an exclusive tee to celebrate your victory.

This year's Gamescom saw Valigarmanda—the first trial you encounter in new expansion Dawntrail—present at the dedicated Final Fantasy 14 booth out on the show floor. I was fortunate enough to be at the convention with some of my fellow PCG writers this year, and I was desperate to give the challenge a go and claim my prize. Between all the work, of course, my dear and wonderful editors who I respect so much.

A Vali-gargatuan task 

As I met up with fellow PCG writer and Final Fantasy 14 enjoyer Harvey Randall and queued up for our first shot, I was feeling confident. I've tackled the normal version of the trial multiple times, as well as the extreme difficulty in my continued (futile) attempt to get the mount that can drop from beating it. How hard can it be to queue up with a mixture of battle-hardened Warriors of Light and sprout adventurers giving the game a go for the first time? Uh, quite hard, as it turns out.

The first thing I didn't quite expect was how what we were doing was essentially a real-life Duty Finder queue. I consulted with Harvey about what roles we should play as an ambassador went down the line confirming what folk wanted to play. Should we pick healers in a bid for a quicker queue time? Sticking with our DPS mains would inevitably mean a longer wait, but would it give us a better chance of victory once we were actually in the trial? Tanking? What about it?

In the end we offered ourselves up as flexible DPS/healer hybrids, and as the ambassador attempted to group queuers up in full party compositions, I ended up sticking with my beloved Dancer while Harvey made the noble sacrifice and switched to Sage. I had planned to be the designated Safety Square—the person that is comfortable with mechanics and can herd the remaining players to safe zones as mechanics play out. It's saved me through many a confusing mechanic, and I hoped I could be the same beacon of protection.

From what I could gather, at least four of the remaining six people in our group had never touched the game before in their life. As a newbie DPS in front of me began fretting, I tried to advise him on the best way to tackle things: Follow the square, just press buttons and hope for the best. Despite the fact I overheard an ambassador claim that the trial was proving tricky for newbies, I was still feeling good about the whole thing.

Duty commence! 

Finally we were through the queue, and I could almost see the duty window pop above my head. As we headed to the stations I was presented with three hurdles: First, almost every PC was running the game in German, a language I do not speak. Second, there was a distinct lack of MMO mice, leaving me with either a controller or to awkwardly fandangle my rotation with the keyboard. Third, I couldn't freaking remember what my goddamn hotbar looked like. A hotbar I have had for a good chunk of my 4,000-hour playtime. Where the hell do I usually put all these buttons?

After a few minutes of messing around with HUD setups and hotbar placements, we were finally in and face-to-face with the giant snakebird Valigarmanda. And, uh, shit, I forgot the mechanics. Circling around is a donut AOE, right? Right? Which one is the cone AOE again? As I'm fighting my own rotation across a keyboard I'm repeatedly fat-fingering, I watch my sprout party members repeatedly get hit by a multitude of attacks before falling one-by-one. Harvey is desperately trying to rez, I am desperately trying to remember how to do anything.

Thankfully the intricacies of the fight quickly come back to me, and I start to do the classic “stand in the safe spot and jump a whole bunch,” which is the universal Final Fantasy 14 language for “come and stand over here for the love of god, I am begging you.” A language that is, of course, lost on anyone who hasn't even seen the game before and is probably fighting for their life figuring out how to play, no time to look at some maniacal catgirl wildly flailing mid-rotation.

We get to a part of the fight where Valigarmanda casts an ability that pushes everyone backwards, and I watch helplessly as almost everyone gets knocked off the small rectangular arena. It's a wipe. No worries, we can give it another go. I continue to powerlessly leap up and down to the attention of absolutely nobody. The knockback comes again, and once more I watch as almost everyone takes a tumble off the edge and dies. 

We're only supposed to have two attempts, but a quiet queue and a booth ambassador clearly taking pity on us lets us have a couple more tries. The previously-fretting DPS begins following me to safe spots, and a glimmer of hope hits me. Then a tank joins in—only they decide to do so the moment they get given a tankbuster, a huge-hitting attack that is going to very much kill me. I attempt to run away. I meet my demise anyway.

Harvey pulls a classic “this party is going nowhere” and dips. Okay, I'm lying, he had an actual work-related appointment to go to, but after a couple more attempts with the help of an ambassador and the gig is up. We've failed, and it's time to queue again or walk away. I am also bound by an impending appointment, and I begrudgingly admit my defeat.

New party, new pulls 

Of course I wasn't gonna let it end there, though. Another gap in my work schedule appears, and with renewed determination I join what has now become a much busier queue. I nervously scan the few people standing in front of me: Almost all of them are wearing Final Fantasy 14 merch. I silently pray I get partied up with them. One of them appears to also be nervously scanning, before approaching two people behind me to ask if they play the game. I quickly spin around to notice them also wearing Final Fantasy 14 merch, and use it as my opportunity to speak up. “I play the game!”

Did I sound desperate? Probably, but goddamn did I want that shirt. We quickly form our own full party, with one single sprout along for the ride. We have the perfect role composition with little-to-no flexing. And then it happens. An ambassador yells “Two healers for the trial?”

We're at the back of the queue, which looks like at least an hour of waiting. This is a real-life Party Finder, isn't it? Our healers are going to scarper for greener pastures (or parties fuller). I look at them, a little fearful. I wouldn't blame them for going ahead, after all. Yet they didn't. They stuck with us, and as we slowly made our way to the front of the queue, chatted all things Eorzea and promised to take a victory picture when we cleared the fight.

We finally get put at a station, and we go back in, some of us for our second time. We had two pulls to try and clear the fight, and… we did it in one pull, baby. One pull, nine minutes, and we were being handed cards to claim our t-shirts. We did it! Sure it was nothing more than a story-difficulty fight, but taking all these in-game experiences I've had—finding people to play with, discussing the game, getting our party comp together and clearing as a group—and bringing them into the real meat world was actually pretty dang endearing.

The whole thing gave me an even greater appreciation for the way Final Fantasy 14 designs its fights. Valigarmanda is the result of a decade of Square Enix building up its own intricate game-specific language. Red circle around a tank? Oh cool, big tankbuster, get away from them. Arrows on the floor pointing in a certain direction? Okay, I'm about to get knocked back. Player gets surrounded with giant orange arrows? Get everyone together to stack and share the damage.

Understanding that language comes from making your way through all the expansions, diving into some of the more archaic mechanics seen in A Realm Reborn and Heavensward before things start to become more consistent in Stormblood and beyond. Seeing in real time how that visual language has conditioned veteran players over the years was incredibly interesting, and I can only begin to imagine how alien it was to the poor players who were giving it a go for the first time.

Dawntrail's dungeons, trials and raids are at a great level of difficulty and some of the most fun I've had in the game, and that feeling was further proved when taking on the battle challenge. Though apologies to Harvey, as I secured victory in his absence while he was busy doing actual important work. I owe you one Valigarmanda carry in the future.