It’s the greatest challenge I’ve yet faced. Not in Grand Theft Auto 5, in life (I was a sheltered child). Forget hit squads, forget running a billion-dollar privacy-invading company, forget bad credit, forget the absence of gravity. My enemy now is space itself, the third dimension. Maybe spacetime. Never been clear on what that is.

I have installed the Random Teleport Challenge, which is not a challenge in the American Gladiators sense but more of a challenge in the debilitating disease sense. Every 50 seconds, the game whisks me to one of 28 locations scattered across GTA 5’s map. I have no list of which locations these are, which makes the whole thing quite exciting.

I don’t know how you live your life, but for me, it’s actually quite disruptive to find myself randomly spatially displaced every 50 seconds. It’s probably how the Quantum Leap guy felt, if he sometimes Quantum Leapt underneath a truck.

It’s a confusing and disconcerting time. Utterly impossible to plan for. But you know what? It taught me an important lesson, probably. Not sure what it is yet, but this seems like one of those things people turn around at the end of and say they learnt an important lesson, so there must be one in there somewhere.

This will probably make it quite difficult to experience mods going forward. I may have to edit an .ini file. Or maybe I just live like this now, ever jaunting. Ever lost in the creases of the sheets of the universe. Just check under the nearest truck; I’m probably there.