Platform: PlayStation 5, PlayStation 4
Publisher: PlayStation Studios
Developer: Polyphony Digital
Gran Turismo 7 launches on March 4, and driving sim enthusiasts are in a tizzy asking themselves one burning question: how would the game’s beautifully rendered cars look if Kirby ate them? You haven’t seen it, but they’re definitely wondering about this.
That’s because Kirby and the Forgotten Land also launches in March and debuts his new suction ability: Mouthful Mode. This was memorably demonstrated with the pink fluff inhaling a car and taking on its shape in the most adorable form of body horror I’ve ever seen. That same car is probably in Gran Turismo 7 (it’s got a bazillion vehicles, so the odds are in my favor), meaning that these games are a match made in… somewhere.
That’s why I took the liberty of looking up some of GT7’s best cars (I think) to render Kirby eating them, thus putting our collective curiosity to bed once and for all. Yes, this is what I chose to spend my work hours doing instead of something productive. I’ll level with you. I don’t know anything about cars or car culture. But I do know for a fact that hardcore Gran Turismo fans are an easy-going bunch that loves lighthearted, humorous angles on their favorite racing franchise. This one is for you guys.
Each entry has a photo of the car and a professional-grade render of Kirby eating. Click the arrows in each photo for an unbelievable before-and-after!
Alfa Romeo 8C 2900
Other than the revelation that “Alfa Romeo” is a great indie wrestler name, I like the classy design of this automobile. Namely, its elongated snout/hood. You’d think Kirby would have a tough time getting that down his gullet but surprise! He manages just fine, and the Alfa Romeo is better because of it.
Alpine Vision Gran Turismo 2017
Apparently, this isn’t a real car and only exists in the Gran Turismo games. That’s fine; believe it or not, Kirby isn’t real either. Since the cockpit is offset to the right, I figured Kirby would follow suit by situating his peepers in the corresponding position. I think this makeover proves that if the Alpine Vision is ever manufactured, selling it with a Kirby-themed car covering would cause units to fly off assembly lines.
ABARATH 1500 Biposto Bertone B.A.T 1’52
The Abarath has a name a mile long and an unusual face sporting three headlights. Kirby, showing his adaptability, would simply migrate his eyes independently to the left and right lamps, making him resemble a gelatinous hammerhead shark or something. I bet he’d also emit a comforting pink glow as well once you fire up that trio of lights. Who wouldn’t want their luxury vehicle to go Super Saiyan Rosé?
BAC Mono 2011
I actually know this car because it was my primary vehicle in Forza Horizon 5. Sorry, I’ve been told that uttering the “F” word in the same breath as Gran Turismo is highly upsetting to fans for some reason. The BAC Mono has a unique body shape, and it may be the world’s most expensive tripping hazard due to how low it is to the road. The way that pointy seat protrudes through Kirby’s form looks painful, but I think the marriage is mutually beneficial otherwise.
Delorean DMC-12 2004
Hey, another car I recognize! The world’s most famous time machine (sorry, Doctor Who fans) looks even better with a coat of sentient pink fondant over it. Where Kirby’s eating, he doesn’t need roads! That makes limited sense, but I really needed a Back to the Future quote, guys.
Ferrari 330 P4 ’67
The one thing I know about Ferrari is the strict rules governing what you can do with one. Basically, the company forbids owners from modding or tampering with the vehicle in any way in the name of preserving purity, I guess. That’s why it would be highly entertaining to witness the horror on a Ferrari enthusiast’s face as Kirby slobs all over one of these things. Kirby still shows a modicum of respect, however, by leaving the Ferrari badge uncovered. I like this particular model because it reminds me of Speed Racer’s Mach 5. Kirby should devour him too and transform into Racer Kirby or something.
Lamborghini Lambo V12 Vision Gran Turismo
I know I said I don’t keep up with car stuff, but I had no clue that Lamborghini was in the business of making Batmobiles. Another concept car, who knows when or if we’ll get to cruise around in one of these things. Kirby only has one question on the matter: does it come in pink?
Now that I have painfully squeezed every drop of juice from this stupid premise, which of Gran Turismo’s fancy cars would you like to see Kirby absorb into his pink form? On a scale of “kind of silly” to “upsettingly moronic,” where does this article rank? Share your polite thoughts in the comments below!