It's Valentine's Day, and what better way to celebrate than trying to win a dildo of cosmic proportions?

I finally got around to playing The Cosmic Wheel Sisterhood last month and it's become one of my all-time favourite games. It's gorgeously witchy and ethereal, all the vibes that I bloody love. The art and music are beautiful, I love the DIY tarot card system, and while the story isn't the strongest it was still enough for me to plough through multiple playthroughs and get a couple of tears out of me.

I'm not the only one who loved it, either. The Steam reviews are pretty glowing for the game, but my favourite one is this: “cool game! Had lotsa fun with the card creation, gotta admit. one thing tho, wHY WONT YOU LET US DATE THE GIANT SHRIMP MONSTER. PLEASE. IM BEGGING ON MY HANDS AND KNEES”.

That “giant shrimp monster” is Abramar, a big ol' snaking behemoth who gets summoned by protagonist Fortuna, a witch driven desperate by her millennium-long exile. He's cool, witty, and surprisingly very kind-hearted for a forbidden cosmic entity. The Steam reviewer isn't the only person begging to be able to date Abramar—there are Reddit posts, Vtuber shorts and, admittedly, I had a pretty big soft spot for him too.

I guess developer Deconstructeam has its finger on the pulse, 'cause it's partnered with American sex toy company Uberrime to bring Abramar's member to this mortal plane of existence. It's “a real-life, functional dildo inspired by the godlike girth of Abramar,” according to the press release. “The result is a body-safe silicone monster cock suitable for only the most wicked of exiled witches.”

The dildo is, uh, rather large. It's sporting a purple and gold swirl pattern, and comes packed in a rather pretty box. There's even a DIY tarot kit included to take the fun of the in-game divination creation and bring it into the real world. If you don't believe me on how legitimately freakin' massive it is, there's a handy (very NSFW) photo popping the sex toy next to a can of soda for comparison. Don't say I didn't warn you.

The catch is that unfortunately, you can't just throw your money at Uberrime for these goodies. There are only three being made, and you'll need to enter a giveaway for a chance of nabbing one. 

Even more unfortunate is that in order to enter you need to let all your beloved Twitter followers know that you're thirsting after a fictional forbidden behemoth: You'll need to make a tarot card within The Cosmic Wheel Sisterhood under the theme “desire” and then post that to your social media with a hashtag. Personally I'm not brave enough to be so unabashedly horny on main, but I have all the respect for the folk who definitely will be.

You can find out more about the whole thing by going to the handy website *ahem* daddyabramar.com. I don't even know anymore. Happy Valentine's Day folks.