As you’re probably figuring out by the fact that I wrote this piece today, I did not get to book a day off to enjoy Final Fantasy 14: Dawntrail’s main story quest. I did, however, get to play it over my lunch break—and its opening hour has made my heart full in a lovely, warm, fuzzy way.

Which makes me all the more worried about why the crafted level 96 gear is a set of BDSM gimp outfits that’d make the Cenobites blush.

Now, we’ve had a look at these sets from previous live letters, but I don’t think anything can really prepare you for seeing them modelled on your character—your precious Warrior of Light who you’ve been so emotionally invested in for years looking like they’re about to say “pray, return on your hands and knees to the Waking Sands”.

The crafted Gomphotherium set, which you aren’t able to obtain yet but can preview at your local marketboard, is less a set of practical adventuring gear and more an exercise in how uncomfortable you can make the rest of your party members. I’m just going to let them speak for themselves.

I don’t want to think about what the Pictomancer dressed in that casting set is drawing.

Usually I don’t tend to jump on board of decrying skimpy outfits in MMOs—and I don’t think I’m doing so here, I’m not going to yuck anyone’s yum—but, uh. Dawntrail’s been pitched to us as “beach episode: the expansion”. Which begs the question, just what kind of a second-half horror show is waiting for me?

If I were to guess, I’d say the idea behind these sets is less “my safeword is chocobo” and more Mad Max tribute. We know that one of the expansion’s zones, Shaaloani, is essentially the wild west—complete with saloons and trains. If things get a little less Clint Eastwood and a little more Australian outback, I can definitely see how the Mad Max D.N.A would make it into some armour. And probably the floorboards (sorry. I’m sorry).

Anyway, if you want to get your hands on some spiked leather, you’ll have to wait a while—it’s a level 96 crafted set, and it’s unlikely anyone’s going to have their gatherers and crafters levelled to that degree for at least another 24 hours. I’d say the entire weekend, but I know that dedicated Disciple of Hand/Land players are extremely powerful and cannot be stopped. Good luck out there, and watch out for the whips.