{"id":1082587,"date":"2026-01-23T14:35:13","date_gmt":"2026-01-23T14:35:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.polygon.com\/?p=492832"},"modified":"2026-01-23T14:35:13","modified_gmt":"2026-01-23T14:35:13","slug":"what-if-the-moon-suddenly-transformed-into-cheese-john-scalzis-new-book-has-an-answer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/arcader.org\/news\/what-if-the-moon-suddenly-transformed-into-cheese-john-scalzis-new-book-has-an-answer\/","title":{"rendered":"What if the moon suddenly transformed into cheese? John Scalzi\u2019s new book has an answer"},"content":{"rendered":"
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<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

John Scalzi is a master of subverting expectations and skewering genre conventions. The author of Redshirts<\/em>, The Kaiju Preservation Society<\/a><\/em>, and Starter Villain<\/a><\/em> is adept at turning time-worn tropes on their head with humor and wisdom, riffing on everything from archetypal sci-fi to Bond-esque supervillainy. For his latest book, When the Moon Hits Your Eye<\/em>, Scalzi takes a crack at disaster fiction, imagining a world faced with an existential crisis in the form of the moon suddenly and unexpectedly having transformed into cheese.<\/p>\n

Ahead of the book\u2019s release on March 25, Tor Books offered Polygon an exclusive excerpt from When the Moon Hits Your Eye<\/em>. In addition, John Scalzi shared a statement prefacing why he chose this particular excerpt to share:<\/p>\n

\n

When you’re writing on a topic as outrageous as the Moon turning into something else entirely, one secret to making it work is to have your characters treat it absolutely seriously — to have the reactions a normal person in the real world might have in the same situation. In this chapter, two scientists, a spy, a military man and a politician all sit down to discuss what the actual hell might be happening when suddenly the moon has changed and no one knows why.<\/em><\/em><\/p>\n

As a side note, this is the chapter I read to audiences on my most recent book tour, because I wanted to see how they would react to this whole premise. I can say I was happy with the response.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\n

Day Two<\/h2>\n

Washington, DC | The White House Situation Room<\/h3>\n

White House Chief of Staff Pat Heffernan sat at the head of the conference table and looked at the four experts arrayed on either side of the table. \u201cLet\u2019s get to this,\u201d he said. \u201cIt is\u201d\u2014he checked his watch\u2014\u201csix thirty in the a.m., I have a briefing with the president in exactly half an hour, and because we all know he doesn\u2019t bother to read the daily intelligence briefing, it will fall to me to explain what the hell is going on. So explain it to me. Use small words on me so I can use smaller words on him. Somebody start.\u201d<\/p>\n

Nobody wanted to start.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe news is that good,\u201d Heffernan said, wryly, and pointed to Dr. Debra Dixon, from NASA. \u201cYou. Begin.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUh, at approximately five p.m. yesterday Eastern time, NASA became aware that several Apollo-era lunar-based retroreflectors\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you\u2019ve already lost me,\u201d Heffernan said.<\/p>\n

Dixon cleared her throat and tried again. \u201cWe have a bunch of mirrors on the moon.\u201d She paused to make sure this was understood. \u201cWe shoot lasers at them for science. Yesterday afternoon the mirrors stopped working.\u201d<\/p>\n

Why did they stop working?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt wasn\u2019t clear at the time. We had mirrors at three sites, and there are three other sets of mirrors, two from the Soviet era and one from the Indian moon landing in 2023. Those stopped working as well.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe asked the Russians and Indians about this?\u201d Heffernan asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, we shot lasers at those mirrors, too.\u201d Dixon said. \u201cOr where we knew they were supposed to be. We didn\u2019t need their permission to do that. They\u2019re mirrors. They reflect for anyone.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, so mirrors are missing on the moon. So what?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAfter we lost contact one of our stations involved in the International Laser Ranging Service\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe what?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a service that allows us to track satellites and other objects in near space to millimeter accuracy,\u201d said Alan Glover, who was in the meeting for the National Security Agency. \u201cIt also provides data on the location of the moon.\u201d<\/p>\n

Heffernan grunted at this. Dixon continued. \u201cSince we couldn\u2019t use the mirrors, one of our stations ranged the moon using an older method called EME, or a \u2018moon bounce,\u2019 in which we reflect radio waves directly off the surface of the moon. That\u2019s when we discovered another issue.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat was the issue?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cUh.\u201d Dixon looked around the table. \u201cThe bounce returned earlier than expected, sir.\u201d<\/p>\n

Heffernan looked annoyed, and was opening his mouth to remind Dixon about making things simple, when Colonel Glenn Axel of the Space Force spoke up. \u201cIt means the surface of the moon is closer to Earth than it used to be.\u201d<\/p>\n

This got Heffernan\u2019s attention. \u201cHow much closer?\u201d <\/p>\n

\u201cAbout three hundred miles,\u201d Dixon said.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow did the moon suddenly move three hundred miles closer to Earth?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt didn\u2019t,\u201d Dixon said<\/p>\n

\u201cBut\u2014\u201d Heffernan stopped. \u201cIt\u2019s beginning to feel like \u2018Who\u2019s on First\u2019 in here,\u201d he said. He looked around the table and saw blank expressions, and realized how much older he was than all the other people at the table. \u201cForget it. Explain to me how the moon is three hundred miles closer and yet somehow not three
hundred miles closer. Small words.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt grew.\u201d<\/p>\n

Heffernan blinked at this. \u201cThe moon is rock. Rocks don\u2019t grow<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dixon paused for a moment, and Heffernan imagined her brain filled with examples of how rocks could, in fact, grow. If that was indeed what she was thinking, she said none of it. \u201cWe\u2019re looking into it now, sir. The point is that the moon is exactly where it should be in its orbit, and also, its surface is three hundred miles closer to us. Which means that the diameter of the moon is roughly six hundred miles wider than it was before roughly five p.m. Eastern time yesterday.\u201d<\/p>\n

It\u2019s impossible but it happened,\u201d Heffernan said.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d Axel replied.<\/p>\n

Heffernan rubbed his forehead. \u201cSo now I have to go up and tell a president\u2014this president\u2014that in an instant, the moon somehow accreted six hundred miles of rock.\u201d<\/p>\n

Almost inaudibly, Dixon squeaked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI heard that,\u201d Heffernan said, and pointed once more to Dixon. \u201cExplain that squeak.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, I really<\/em> don\u2019t want to,\u201d Dixon said, to the room. \u201cSomeone else do this one, please.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll answer this,\u201d said Dr. Miriam Golden, from the National Science Foundation. Eyes turned to her. \u201cThe moon\u2019s diameter is six hundred miles wider than it was yesterday, but its mass is the same as far as we can tell. If it wasn\u2019t we\u2019d already be seeing evidence of it. Higher tides, for a start. If the moon is physically larger and has the same mass, then whatever it is made of is less dense than the basalt and other material that made up the moon as we knew it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAll right,\u201d Heffernan said. \u201cWhat is the new, mysterious substance that the moon is made out of again?\u201d<\/p>\n

Another nearly inaudible squeak from Dixon.<\/p>\n

\u201cStop<\/em> that,\u201d Heffernan snapped at her. He looked back to Golden. \u201cDo you know?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s being looked into,\u201d Golden said. \u201cThere\u2019s nothing we can confirm yet. But yesterday, around the same time as the moon mirrors went missing, Space Center Houston reported a problem with their store of lunar samples. We first thought it was theft, but then other places in the US that have or store moon rocks reported the exact issue at the exact same time. In all cases the moon rocks were gone and replaced with objects made from another substance entirely.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat substance?\u201d Heffernan asked.<\/p>\n

Golden looked directly at the White House chief of staff and answered calmly and evenly. \u201cCheese,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

Dixon squeaked again.<\/p>\n

Heffernan burst out laughing, went on for a good long time, and then stopped when he realized no one else at the table had even cracked a smile. \u201cThis is a joke,\u201d he said. \u201cIt has<\/em> to be a joke.\u201d<\/p>\n

No one responded.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou have to be fucking kidding me,\u201d Heffernan said, to the room. \u201cI have here representatives from both our science and intelligence community, and all of you are telling me the moon\u2014the whole fucking<\/em> moon\u2014has been turned to goddamn cheese<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s right,\u201d Golden said. She at no time had taken her eyes off the chief of staff.<\/p>\n

\u201cBullshit!\u201d Heffernan said. \u201cIt\u2019s not possible.\u201d <\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not possible,\u201d Axel agreed. \u201cIt\u2019s also our best guess at the moment.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow the hell is that<\/em> your \u2018best guess\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe checked<\/em> it,\u201d Dixon said, speaking up. \u201cWe tested the cheese that replaced our lunar sample. We determined its mass and density. Then we applied those figures to the moon. They match.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat does that mean, \u2018they match\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt means they match!\u201d Dixon said. \u201cIf you had a moon made of this specific cheese, with the same mass as our previous moon, it would have the diameter it now has. Almost exactly.\u201d She put her head in her hands and stared at the conference table. Heffernan considered this for a minute. Then he said, \u201cWhat kind of cheese?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not just that it\u2019s cheese,\u201d Dixon burst out, raising her head again. \u201cIt\u2019s that it\u2019s undifferentiated<\/em> cheese.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIs that . . . a type of cheese?\u201d Heffernan asked. <\/p>\n

\u201cShe means that it\u2019s the same all the way through,\u201d Axel said. \u201cThe moon and the earth have different layers to them. Rocky crust on the surface, molten or partially molten rock farther down, and then a solid core. This new moon doesn\u2019t have layers. We can tell that from the diameter and the lunar samples we have here on the planet. It\u2019s cheese of the same density and consistency all the way through.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFor now,\u201d Dixon muttered, darkly. <\/p>\n

\u201cFor now,\u201d Heffernan repeated, question implied.<\/p>\n

\u201cShe means that a mass of cheese sixteen hundred miles in diameter isn\u2019t likely to be stable,\u201d Golden said. \u201cIt\u2019s going to start collapsing on itself soon.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIs that a threat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe don\u2019t know yet,\u201d Golden said. \u201cWe have to model it.\u201d She looked over to Dixon, who was now resolutely staring at the conference table again. \u201cAnd we still have to confirm that the moon is made of what we think it is. All the evidence we have right now checks out, but it\u2019s still just a hypothesis. We\u2019ll need to get more data.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen will we have it?\u201d Heffernan asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re already working on it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWho is working on it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re all<\/em> working on it,\u201d Axel said. \u201cIt obviously has scientific and security issues.\u201d<\/p>\n

Heffernan considered this and then looked at Dixon. \u201cWhat does this mean for the moon landings?\u201d NASA had been promising to go back to the moon for decades, and had finally scheduled crewed landings. Test flights, from NASA and from private parties in other places, were already scheduled; an uncrewed flight from PanGlobal Aerospace, designed to test the soundness of the lunar lander NASA had commissioned them to construct, was going to be launched from Ecuador in a week.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s difficult to land on cheese,\u201d Dixon said.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf it is cheese,\u201d Golden said to Dixon.<\/p>\n

Dixon nodded. \u201cWhatever it is, we\u2019re not likely to risk landing on it until we know it\u2019s safe. It\u2019s not my decision, but I wouldn\u2019t be surprised if landings are delayed indefinitely.\u201d<\/p>\n

Heffernan grimaced at this. The president had famously wanted to be an astronaut growing up, and fervently wanted a moon landing during his administration. He would be unhappy with any delay. He put this out of his mind for the moment, and turned to Alan Glover of the NSA. \u201cWho knows about this?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAbout there being something going on with the moon?\u201d Glover asked. \u201cLiterally everyone on the planet. The moon is up in the sky, close to the sun. Cheese or not cheese, whatever the moon is made of right now is a lot brighter than moon rock was. The sun is up now. We could go outside and look at it ourselves.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDoes any of the chatter you\u2019ve picked up suggest anyone else knows the . . . cheese connection?\u201d Heffernan asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing specific,\u201d Glover said. \u201cWe have public and secure chatter about the moon, obviously. Scientists are talking openly about it on social media. Even without the benefit of samples\u201d\u2014 Glover motioned toward Dixon\u2014\u201cthey\u2019ll have already figured 0ut diameter, mass and density. That\u2019s just math.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd what about samples?\u201d Heffernan asked. \u201cWho has moon rocks out there?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLots of people,\u201d Dixon said. \u201cWe gave moon rocks to every country in the world after we landed. A lot of them were stolen or disappeared over the years, but enough of them are still on public display.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd turned to cheese.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe haven\u2019t heard from anyone about that, but it\u2019s still early morning here,\u201d Dixon said.<\/p>\n

Heffernan looked over to Glover. \u201cPick anything up?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot yet, but again, it\u2019s only a matter of time,\u201d Glover said. \u201cIf I remember correctly, the samples are small\u201d\u2014Dixon nodded at this\u2014\u201cand probably for at least a few hours the institutions that have them will assume some sort of theft happened, just like we did. We should probably let them continue to think that for as long as we can.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo one is claiming victory for stealing the moon,\u201d Heffernan said.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot so far,\u201d Glover said. \u201cSomeone will. Someone always claims victory.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd just to be clear, and I cannot believe I am actually asking this, there is no way any of our enemies could have done this?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, sir,\u201d Glover said, absolutely seriously. \u201cWe know pretty much everything our friends and foes are up to these days. There\u2019s been no chatter of anything even remotely similar to this. Beyond that, there\u2019s no one else in the world who would have the technology to disappear the moon, much less replace it with a globe of, probably, cheese.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo we have that technology?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAsk him.\u201d Glover pointed to Colonel Axel of the Space Force.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, sir,\u201d Axel said. \u201cAnd even if we had it, disappearing the moon and replacing it with an equally massive orb of probably cheese serves no discernable military purpose.\u201d<\/p>\n

Heffernan looked at his watch. \u201cI have to head up,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo let me summarize. Sometime yesterday afternoon the moon was replaced by a globe of cheese with the same weight\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMass,\u201d said Dixon and Golden and Axel, all at the same time.<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2014the same fucking mass as the moon, and we don\u2019t know how, or why, and the only thing we can say at this point is that we didn\u2019t do it, no one else we know did it either, and the way we know it\u2019s cheese is that all the moon rocks we have here on Earth turned into cheese at the same time. Is that right?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s basically the gist of it, yes,\u201d Axel said.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd every single one of you will actually stand behind this complete line of horseshit.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt is our best guess about what\u2019s going on at the moment, yes,\u201d Golden said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI hate it with every single bone in my body and I can\u2019t think of any other explanation,\u201d Dixon added.<\/p>\n

Heffernan nodded. \u201cLast question,\u201d he said. \u201cWhen does this go away?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGo away?\u201d Dixon asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, go away,\u201d Heffernan said, irritably. \u201cHow long do we have to wait until this cheese moon goes away and the old one comes back?\u201d<\/p>\n

The people at the table looked at one another. \u201cWe have no idea how it happened, sir,\u201d Golden said. \u201cAnd we have no idea if this is a temporary or permanent change. We have to assume for now that, for all intents and purposes, this is the moon now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou all agree with this?\u201d Heffernan said. They all nodded.<\/p>\n

\u201cGreat. You can tell everyone that at the press conference later today.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou want us to do a press conference about this?\u201d Dixon asked, shocked.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not your press conference, it\u2019s the president\u2019s,\u201d Heffernan said, and then looked at their surprised faces. \u201cPeople, the moon has turned to fucking cheese. The president can\u2019t not have a press conference about this. He will go up, Jaime will whip some comforting words to vomit out at the nation, and then you all will go up and answer the questions the president has no business answering.\u201d Heffernan pointed to Glover. \u201cNot you, you\u2019re a spy.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t think you were talking about me,\u201d Glover assured Heffernan.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut the rest of you, we\u2019ll do this thing at three.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you think that\u2019s wise?\u201d Golden said. \u201cPeople could lose their minds about this.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey absolutely will lose their minds about it,\u201d Heffernan said. \u201cBut if we do this right, they will lose their minds in the direction of our choosing.\u201d He stood, and they stood with him.<\/p>\n

\u201cNow. You have eight hours to get your stories straight. Get to it. I\u2019ll have breakfast sent down.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

MOON ALTERED BY MYSTERIOUS FORCES, PRESIDENT SAYS<\/strong><\/p>\n

NASA and other scientific organizations to look for causes but say \u201cno danger\u201d for now<\/strong><\/p>\n

Early reports suggest alterations may include organic-seeming material<\/strong><\/p>\n

By Robert Evansen, NYTimes Staff Writer<\/strong><\/p>\n

In one of the most extraordinary presidential press conferences ever given, President Brett Boone confirmed that the moon, Earth\u2019s sole natural satellite, has undergone a significant and unexplained transformation, growing some six hundred miles in diameter seemingly instantly.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe do not yet have answers for how or why this has happened,\u201d President Boone said, reading from a brief, prepared statement before handing over the bulk of the conference to representatives from NASA, the National Science Foundation and the Space Force. \u201cWe have the nation\u2019s best minds working on this, and we will find answers, and when those answers are found, we will share them with the United States and the world.\u201d<\/p>\n

President Boone stressed that while this lunar transformation was without precedent in recorded history, \u201cI have been assured by experts at NASA that the nation is under no threat from it. I want to stress this: There is no danger at this time, nor do we anticipate any danger from it in the near future.\u201d<\/p>\n

The president added that he had been in contact with other world leaders\u2014 including heads of state from China, Russia, India and the United Kingdom\u2014 and had met with the Joint Chiefs of Staff and representatives of the United States intelligence community. \u201cAt this moment, this does not appear to be the act of any government, group or individual. As this is an issue that affects us all, governments worldwide have pledged their cooperation to determine how this could have happened, and why.\u201d<\/p>\n

According to Dr. Debra Dixon, chief scientist for NASA, the agency became aware of the moon\u2019s alterations yesterday at around 5:00 p.m. Eastern, shortly before the moon, entering its waxing crescent phase, became visible in the early evening sky. Dr. Dixon noted that while the change occurred when the moon was not directly visible to observers on Earth, no special significance was accorded to that. \u201cAt this point, we assume it was random.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dr. Dixon said that NASA was not yet prepared to offer any definitive statements as to the nature of the transformation, cautioning that \u201cscience takes time.\u201d That said, Dr. Dixon did say that early observations of the moon suggested that its surface, previously made from rock, might now be partially or fully comprised of \u201corganic- seeming material.\u201d Dr. Dixon stressed that organic compounds were not in themselves evidence of life.<\/p>\n

When asked how the moon\u2019s sudden transformation would affect NASA\u2019s schedule for crewed moon missions, Dr. Dixon said that no determination had yet been made and that those decisions would be made by NASA administrator Kevin Olsen in conjunction with John Able, administrator for the Diana missions. \u201cMake no mistake that our aim has not wavered. We will return Americans to the moon,\u201d Dr. Dixon said. \u201cWe also have
to understand how these changes will affect our brave astronauts and their missions. We need to take them safely to the moon. We also need to bring them safely back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

Source<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

John Scalzi is a master of subverting expectations and skewering genre conventions. The author of Redshirts, The Kaiju Preservation Society, and Starter Villain is adept at turning time-worn tropes on their head with humor and wisdom, riffing on everything from archetypal sci-fi to Bond-esque supervillainy. For his latest book, When the Moon Hits Your Eye, Scalzi takes a crack at disaster fiction, imagining a world faced with an existential crisis in the form of the moon suddenly and unexpectedly having transformed into cheese. Ahead of the book\u2019s release on March 25, Tor Books offered Polygon an exclusive excerpt from When the Moon Hits Your Eye. In addition, John Scalzi shared a statement prefacing why he chose this particular excerpt to share: When you’re writing on…<\/p>\n

Read More…<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1082588,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1082587","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-polygon"],"yoast_head":"\nWhat if the moon suddenly transformed into cheese? John Scalzi\u2019s new book has an answer | Arcader News<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"John Scalzi is a master of subverting expectations and skewering genre conventions. 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